last night I dreamt that I was an exotic dancer. but it was like a superhero's alter ego - no one knew that it was me dancing. like the bikini I was dancing in was a cape and suit. and yes, I was dancing in a bikini... and I don't even think I was that good at it, but I was making BANK, so it seemed the logical thing to do. plus, since no one knew it was me.... no embarrassment! until people I knew came to the club. I knew them, but they didn't know me. it was almost worse!
I'm not taking this dream as any sort of sign for what I should do with my life, but I couldn't stop thinking about it all day, so I figured I'd write it down.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
The 'Hood.
When we moved out of our teensy apartment in the not so nice part of town, I thought we were destined for the quiet life. We found a place in a part of town I lovingly call the Jewborhood (for it has an incredibly dense Jewish population). Our apartment is on a one-way street that ends at a second one-way street, so there is hardly any traffic. There are no dogs allowed in our building, so that was a super-plus from the old place. We are now the fat neighbors stomping around upstairs since we are on the top floor. I thought it would be nothing but peace.
Apparently I was wrong. Not in a bad way, mind you, but in a way that has turned me into that crazy neighbor lady with her nose sticking over your fence and her ear to all the happenings in the 'hood.
Our building is so close to the street, as are all the buildings on our block, that I can't help but hear all the comings and goings of our neighbors - especially now that nice weather is upon us and our windows are perpetually open.
We have neighbors who don't speak very good English. We have neighbors who don't speak any English. We have neighbors who speak what I can only liken to "genuine frontier gibberish" a la "Blazing Saddles".
The way our building is laid out, the window in the bathroom is across from that of our neighbor; separated by a 3 or 4 foot wide space. If both of our windows were open, we could share toilet paper. This adjacent apartment has recently been inhabited by a couple who seem to speak some Asian language that I can't decipher. The only thing I can tell is that they ALWAYS sound angry. So either it is the German equivalent of an Asiatic language that just always sounds ferocious, or these neighbors are in a constant state of domestic discord.
There is an older woman who lives in the building and loves to sit outside on the bench in her pincurls, housedress, and slippers. I don't think she understands English, because when I thank her for holding the front door for me (something she seems to delight in), her response is always a toothless smile and an accented "yes.... yes....yes...." before she shuffles back off to her bench.
There is a gentleman who lives in another building who sits outside on a bench smoking cigarettes and hand feeding peanuts to the squirrels. This makes for ballsy squirrels.
There have also been a few sightings of rednecky couples fighting in the middle of the street. She's pregnant, and he's no good. That's all I get from them.
The piece de resistance, however, is a couple of ancient old ladies I originally dubbed "The Biddies". When we first moved here, the only exposure I had to these two was listening to them scream incoherently at others presumably for putting the trash out on the wrong night or wheeling their bike up the grass hill instead of carrying it up the stairs.
In the 9 or 10 months we've been here, I have learned a lot about these two. They have no shame at sitting on a couch that someone has left on the sidewalk for trash pickup. They wear fanny packs to whatever adult day adventures they go on. They *might* be twins. And when I say twins, I mean as in the two creepy ones at the end of the hallway in "The Shining", not cute like the Olsens before anorexia. Sometimes they wear matching lime green puffy coats or coordinated embroidered sweaters. Their names, as far as I can understand them, are Freida and Gertrude. I could not have picked better names. And they are the loudest mumblers I have ever encountered in my entire life. Even when the windows are shut, I can hear them clucking between themselves, but with the windows wide open, I can't understand a word of it.
This all makes me look like the worst busybody, but I really can't help it when they put it all out there for my amusement :)
Apparently I was wrong. Not in a bad way, mind you, but in a way that has turned me into that crazy neighbor lady with her nose sticking over your fence and her ear to all the happenings in the 'hood.
Our building is so close to the street, as are all the buildings on our block, that I can't help but hear all the comings and goings of our neighbors - especially now that nice weather is upon us and our windows are perpetually open.
We have neighbors who don't speak very good English. We have neighbors who don't speak any English. We have neighbors who speak what I can only liken to "genuine frontier gibberish" a la "Blazing Saddles".
The way our building is laid out, the window in the bathroom is across from that of our neighbor; separated by a 3 or 4 foot wide space. If both of our windows were open, we could share toilet paper. This adjacent apartment has recently been inhabited by a couple who seem to speak some Asian language that I can't decipher. The only thing I can tell is that they ALWAYS sound angry. So either it is the German equivalent of an Asiatic language that just always sounds ferocious, or these neighbors are in a constant state of domestic discord.
There is an older woman who lives in the building and loves to sit outside on the bench in her pincurls, housedress, and slippers. I don't think she understands English, because when I thank her for holding the front door for me (something she seems to delight in), her response is always a toothless smile and an accented "yes.... yes....yes...." before she shuffles back off to her bench.
There is a gentleman who lives in another building who sits outside on a bench smoking cigarettes and hand feeding peanuts to the squirrels. This makes for ballsy squirrels.
There have also been a few sightings of rednecky couples fighting in the middle of the street. She's pregnant, and he's no good. That's all I get from them.
The piece de resistance, however, is a couple of ancient old ladies I originally dubbed "The Biddies". When we first moved here, the only exposure I had to these two was listening to them scream incoherently at others presumably for putting the trash out on the wrong night or wheeling their bike up the grass hill instead of carrying it up the stairs.
In the 9 or 10 months we've been here, I have learned a lot about these two. They have no shame at sitting on a couch that someone has left on the sidewalk for trash pickup. They wear fanny packs to whatever adult day adventures they go on. They *might* be twins. And when I say twins, I mean as in the two creepy ones at the end of the hallway in "The Shining", not cute like the Olsens before anorexia. Sometimes they wear matching lime green puffy coats or coordinated embroidered sweaters. Their names, as far as I can understand them, are Freida and Gertrude. I could not have picked better names. And they are the loudest mumblers I have ever encountered in my entire life. Even when the windows are shut, I can hear them clucking between themselves, but with the windows wide open, I can't understand a word of it.
This all makes me look like the worst busybody, but I really can't help it when they put it all out there for my amusement :)
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
days like this
My husband just hand-fed me B-vitamins while I cried in the shower. Because I am clearly in the middle of some sort of fit.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Eleven!
A little Friday Frivolity courtesy of my dear friend Lori over at I Can Grow People.
Like Lori, I probably won't "tag" people, but I'd love to see what you have to say!!
The Rules:
1. Post the rules (check!)
2. Share 11 random things about yourself
3. Answer the questions posted to you from your tagger
4. Come up with 11 new questions for the people you tag
5. Tag your peeps on Twitter, Facebook, or on your blog (I will probably bend this rule.)
Ok. 11 random facts about me!
1. I don't really like hot liquids. no soup, no coffee, only the once-in-a-blue-moon pomegranate tea or hot chocolate. And those are never as good as I want them to be.
2. When I was in junior high/high school I wanted to be a sports journalist so I could follow the Phillies all the time and get paid for it.
3. I don't have just one favorite color. It depends on what you are asking about. Nail Polish? Barbie Pink. Clothes? usually Red. Eyeshadow? Copper. Flowers? White.
4. I have what I consider to be a serious addiction to Diet Coke. I have, however, recently weaned myself down to one per day, and let me tell you - the migraines for the first week or so were wicked!
5. I love to bake, but I am not good at measuring when I cook, so baking is always an act in restraint for me. When I'm cooking "real" food, I just throw stuff together until it looks/smells/tastes/feels right. (Ask my friend Blair, who once asked for my hummus recipe and was told " ya know, some chickpeas, olive oil, tahini, and spices"...) So I have to really focus on measurements when I bake, or else poor Jake would be stuck eating cookies like rocks.
6. I'm solar powered. This has never been more evident than since we moved to Pittsburgh. I fall into a cranky funk if it is cloudy/rainy for too many days/hours in a row. I'm a summer baby :)
7. I love colors. I love to paint. Sometimes I even get paid to do it. But the paintings I make at home, my own art, I am always afraid of sharing with people. I rarely think they are good enough to show off. ( I am getting better at this, however. I recently made a painting for a friend as a wedding gift, and was actually really happy with how it turned out.
8. Ever since Jurassic Park, I have had a crush on Jeff Goldblum.
9. I gave myself a buzz cut when I was 25. Having an inch of hair is an amazingly liberating experience. I'd love to do it again, but I am clearly larger and older than I was then. I don't think it would be as cute this time around.
10. I have recently discovered a love of pig figurines/art. My husband mocks me for this.
11. Right before we moved to Pittsburgh, Jake taught me how to drive stick shift, because my car had died and I needed to learn to drive his. Now I'm not sure I could ever go back to an automatic transmission. My left foot would be bored.
Now for the questions from Lori:
8. If you had a million dollars to donate to one charity, which one would you pick and why?
9 . What is your favorite word, in any language?
10. What restaurant would you eat at/meal could you eat all the time if calories and money weren't a factor?
11. What Sci-Fi weapon or tool (from movies/tv/literature) would you love to own?
Leave me a comment with a link if you play the game!!
Like Lori, I probably won't "tag" people, but I'd love to see what you have to say!!
The Rules:
1. Post the rules (check!)
2. Share 11 random things about yourself
3. Answer the questions posted to you from your tagger
4. Come up with 11 new questions for the people you tag
5. Tag your peeps on Twitter, Facebook, or on your blog (I will probably bend this rule.)
Ok. 11 random facts about me!
1. I don't really like hot liquids. no soup, no coffee, only the once-in-a-blue-moon pomegranate tea or hot chocolate. And those are never as good as I want them to be.
2. When I was in junior high/high school I wanted to be a sports journalist so I could follow the Phillies all the time and get paid for it.
3. I don't have just one favorite color. It depends on what you are asking about. Nail Polish? Barbie Pink. Clothes? usually Red. Eyeshadow? Copper. Flowers? White.
4. I have what I consider to be a serious addiction to Diet Coke. I have, however, recently weaned myself down to one per day, and let me tell you - the migraines for the first week or so were wicked!
5. I love to bake, but I am not good at measuring when I cook, so baking is always an act in restraint for me. When I'm cooking "real" food, I just throw stuff together until it looks/smells/tastes/feels right. (Ask my friend Blair, who once asked for my hummus recipe and was told " ya know, some chickpeas, olive oil, tahini, and spices"...) So I have to really focus on measurements when I bake, or else poor Jake would be stuck eating cookies like rocks.
6. I'm solar powered. This has never been more evident than since we moved to Pittsburgh. I fall into a cranky funk if it is cloudy/rainy for too many days/hours in a row. I'm a summer baby :)
7. I love colors. I love to paint. Sometimes I even get paid to do it. But the paintings I make at home, my own art, I am always afraid of sharing with people. I rarely think they are good enough to show off. ( I am getting better at this, however. I recently made a painting for a friend as a wedding gift, and was actually really happy with how it turned out.
8. Ever since Jurassic Park, I have had a crush on Jeff Goldblum.
9. I gave myself a buzz cut when I was 25. Having an inch of hair is an amazingly liberating experience. I'd love to do it again, but I am clearly larger and older than I was then. I don't think it would be as cute this time around.
10. I have recently discovered a love of pig figurines/art. My husband mocks me for this.
11. Right before we moved to Pittsburgh, Jake taught me how to drive stick shift, because my car had died and I needed to learn to drive his. Now I'm not sure I could ever go back to an automatic transmission. My left foot would be bored.
Now for the questions from Lori:
1. What color is your bedroom and did you pick it out? Our bedroom is white. We didn't have the time or energy to paint our apartment when we moved in. I make up for it by using a lot of color in our furniture/linens.
2. What holiday could you do without? Probably Halloween. I'm at the point in life where it's just more candy on sale that I can't resist, and my ass could do without the extra sugar.
3. Your friend has asked you to come over this weekend for a barbecue. You have to bring a dish to share: what do you bring? Cookies. I have an ever-growing collection of cookies cutters and a kick-ass sugar cookie recipe.
4. What were you to be named if you were born of the opposite gender? (If I was a boy, my parents were going to name me Jason Thomas.) I don't know what I was going to be named if I was a boy, but I think I remember my mom telling me once that I was almost "Joelle". And that my grandfather offered her $50 to *not* name me after him (So it's thanks to PopPop that I'm not "Geraldine"... Mom said she told him he didn't need to worry)
5. What is your favorite kind of Girl Scout Cookie? the apparently mythical Lemon sandwich cookies. I asked Jake to order some this year, and he told me I was making them up. But the Lemon Smiles are pretty tasty.
6. Have you ever walked out of a movie/play/performance because you thought it was horrid? Please elaborate. Once. It was at Yale Rep (Sorry, Lori!) I don't even remember what the show was, but I remember my roommate and I looking at each other at intermission with the same bored look on our faces, so we went to the bar.
7. When did know your were falling in love with your partner? I'm not sure I can pinpoint a moment. I do know that it didn't take long into our relationship for it to feel so right that it was like we had always been together, and that was how it should be.
8. What is something that you learned in high school that, though you thought it was useless knowledge at the time, turned out to be very useful to you in adult life? (I’m referring to standard school subject matter, not life lessons–but go there if you like. For me it was the Pythagorean Theorem.) Typing without having to look at the keyboard. I remember totally resenting the little typing games on the boxy school computers with a manila folder over my hands so I couldn't see the keys if I looked down. Now, even though I really don't use the computer for work or anything important like that, I really appreciate the fact that I can type quickly without having to hunt-n-peck.
9. What is your go-to cocktail? If you don’t drink alcohol, what is your favorite beverage? I am on a never-ending search for the perfect Long Island Iced Tea. The Copperhead Bar in Center Valley has the best one so far...
10. Everyone is struggling in this economy. What is one thing that you have had to cut back on/give up/sacrifice for the sake of your budget? Jake and I have only been to the movies a total of 2 times in the last few years. We haven't had cable tv since we've been living together. I have started making all of our bread instead of buying it at the store. I'm not sure that's too much of a sacrifice, though - I love baking, and have found some fantastic recipes.
11. What was your favorite cartoon when you were a kid and what were your Saturday mornings like? I used to LOVE classic Looney Tunes. The Tazmanian Devil was my favorite. I have notebooks full of sketches and paintings I did of all the characters when I was a kid.
Now for my 11 questions!
1. What is one habit you have that you would love to be able to rid yourself of?
2. Do you have a favorite scent (candle/perfume/food/flower), and what sort of emotions or memories does it invoke?
3. What TV series or movie could you watch over and over and never tire of?
4. What is a question that people ask you that you are tired of answering or explaining? (during baseball season I have to defend that I am rooting for the Phillies because I'm from there. People in Pittsburgh don't like that)
5. What is your dream car? No worries about money/mileage/safety/practical things.
6. What fashion trend (past or present) did you try and regret?
7. What exotic animal would you like to have as a pet? No worries about laws/money/practicality.
8. If you had a million dollars to donate to one charity, which one would you pick and why?
9 . What is your favorite word, in any language?
10. What restaurant would you eat at/meal could you eat all the time if calories and money weren't a factor?
11. What Sci-Fi weapon or tool (from movies/tv/literature) would you love to own?
Leave me a comment with a link if you play the game!!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
We should have named him Tazmanian Devil
Gizmo (the little grey cat we adopted this past fall) is a raging cuddlebug. He is almost always purring, trilling, and loves to be pet/manhandled and played with. He plays fetch. You can pick him up and drape him over your shoulder and carry him around. He's a very cool cat.
He is also a raging maniac. Usually at 3 in the morning, but he's not particular about this. He makes an amazing amount of noise while galloping across the apartment for such a wee cat. Part of the problem might be that he gets Zelda all worked up so she tries to run amok with him, and she's nearly twice his size. I hope our neighbors downstairs don't start making voodoo dolls of us....
Anything small/light enough to pick up and carry around, he will. Hairbands and barrettes are particularly prone to this. I don't know where he takes them, but he can almost always be seen trotting around the house carrying something. He discovered a box of dust masks (the paper kind with two rubber bands to hold them onto your face) in our back room the other day. I know this because we woke up to a half dozen of them strewn about our bedroom the next morning.
He recently stole one of the lids to my contact lens case. Someone 50 years from now will find it when they tear this building down.
He found one of our lego cake toppers from our wedding and was playing hockey with it at 4 this morning.
I love him. I just wish he wasn't quite so.... nuts.
He is also a raging maniac. Usually at 3 in the morning, but he's not particular about this. He makes an amazing amount of noise while galloping across the apartment for such a wee cat. Part of the problem might be that he gets Zelda all worked up so she tries to run amok with him, and she's nearly twice his size. I hope our neighbors downstairs don't start making voodoo dolls of us....
Anything small/light enough to pick up and carry around, he will. Hairbands and barrettes are particularly prone to this. I don't know where he takes them, but he can almost always be seen trotting around the house carrying something. He discovered a box of dust masks (the paper kind with two rubber bands to hold them onto your face) in our back room the other day. I know this because we woke up to a half dozen of them strewn about our bedroom the next morning.
He recently stole one of the lids to my contact lens case. Someone 50 years from now will find it when they tear this building down.
He found one of our lego cake toppers from our wedding and was playing hockey with it at 4 this morning.
I love him. I just wish he wasn't quite so.... nuts.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Am I on Candid Camera?
me, at the restaurant, being my chipper waitress self: Hi! how are you doing tonight? Can I get you something to drink?
customer: No. I'll just have water.
~~~~
me, to the runner at the theatre: I need a gallon of white elastomeric roofing compound. has to be white. if they don't have it, I want joint compound. ok?
runner, writing it down: sure! elastomeric. white.
half an hour later he returns with four tubes of black caulking. and a caulk gun. really proud of himself.
~~~~
me, handing a paint card to the girl at the paint counter at Big Do-It-Yourself Store: I need five gallons of this color in high gloss.
girl with far off look in her eyes: did you want that in separate gallons?
me: oh, can you do that color in a five gallon bucket? (it's usually cheaper if you buy one fiver as opposed to 5 ones)
girl: not in that brand...
me: ok, but in the other brand it will still be high gloss?
girl: ....not in a five gallon bucket....
me, wondering why she brought it up in the first place: ok.... i need five gallons of THAT color in HIGH gloss. however you have to do it. thanks.
~~~~~
lady at table, ordering lunch: Does your tuna salad have onions in it?
me: yes
lady: oh god, then I can't have that, onions would kill me. I'll have the ::some other sandwich::
me: great, and what would you like for a side dish?
lady: oooh, onions rings would be great, thanks!
~~~~~~~
production manager: So, when are you going to start painting that drop?
me: well, they haven't given me a paint elevation yet, so I have no idea what it looks like. I can't paint it til they tell me what it's supposed to be.
pm: yeah.
~~~~~
customer: No. I'll just have water.
~~~~
me, to the runner at the theatre: I need a gallon of white elastomeric roofing compound. has to be white. if they don't have it, I want joint compound. ok?
runner, writing it down: sure! elastomeric. white.
half an hour later he returns with four tubes of black caulking. and a caulk gun. really proud of himself.
~~~~
me, handing a paint card to the girl at the paint counter at Big Do-It-Yourself Store: I need five gallons of this color in high gloss.
girl with far off look in her eyes: did you want that in separate gallons?
me: oh, can you do that color in a five gallon bucket? (it's usually cheaper if you buy one fiver as opposed to 5 ones)
girl: not in that brand...
me: ok, but in the other brand it will still be high gloss?
girl: ....not in a five gallon bucket....
me, wondering why she brought it up in the first place: ok.... i need five gallons of THAT color in HIGH gloss. however you have to do it. thanks.
~~~~~
lady at table, ordering lunch: Does your tuna salad have onions in it?
me: yes
lady: oh god, then I can't have that, onions would kill me. I'll have the ::some other sandwich::
me: great, and what would you like for a side dish?
lady: oooh, onions rings would be great, thanks!
~~~~~~~
production manager: So, when are you going to start painting that drop?
me: well, they haven't given me a paint elevation yet, so I have no idea what it looks like. I can't paint it til they tell me what it's supposed to be.
pm: yeah.
~~~~~
Friday, February 3, 2012
inspiration. antagonization? (is that even a word?)
Yeah, maybe I've ignored this blog for a year. I'm going to try to be better about that... Not because my life is particularly thrilling to y'all, but because I have decided with a friend of mine who has recently started a blog herself that we should challenge/bully/cajole each other into keeping current with our respective blogs.
Hopefully the threat of constant nagging at work will put my fingers to the keys more often.
In the Year of My Absence from Blogging, I have:
~ Gotten Married. Best Move Ever. I love you, Jake. :)
~ Moved out of Skeevetown* and into the Jewborhood*. (Cue Theme Song from The Jefferson's. *not real names of places)
~ Gotten back into some quasi-steady freelance theatre work - something I swore I wouldn't do for a while, but it's paying some bills, and I'm actually being reminded of some of what I liked about Scenic Art work in the first place
~ Adopted a new Cat. Gizmo is one crazy mother-shut-your-mouth. He trills and chirps and purrs almost constantly, and is the sweetest, most affectionate cat I think I've ever met. Plus, Zelda puts up with him pretty well. Although, sometimes, I swear she looks at me or Jake when Gizmo does something dumb and just shakes her head. I could be hallucinating this.
~ Tried to take a class. Learned that Journalism101 at the local community college is actually Hey, We Need Some People to Write Articles For the School Paper That No One Will Read, And We Won't Actually Try to Teach Them Anything. Needless to say, I was bummed.
I'm sure that more has happened to me in the past year, but it's been a long day, and remembering things can be hard sometimes.
Hopefully the threat of constant nagging at work will put my fingers to the keys more often.
In the Year of My Absence from Blogging, I have:
~ Gotten Married. Best Move Ever. I love you, Jake. :)
~ Moved out of Skeevetown* and into the Jewborhood*. (Cue Theme Song from The Jefferson's. *not real names of places)
~ Gotten back into some quasi-steady freelance theatre work - something I swore I wouldn't do for a while, but it's paying some bills, and I'm actually being reminded of some of what I liked about Scenic Art work in the first place
~ Adopted a new Cat. Gizmo is one crazy mother-shut-your-mouth. He trills and chirps and purrs almost constantly, and is the sweetest, most affectionate cat I think I've ever met. Plus, Zelda puts up with him pretty well. Although, sometimes, I swear she looks at me or Jake when Gizmo does something dumb and just shakes her head. I could be hallucinating this.
~ Tried to take a class. Learned that Journalism101 at the local community college is actually Hey, We Need Some People to Write Articles For the School Paper That No One Will Read, And We Won't Actually Try to Teach Them Anything. Needless to say, I was bummed.
I'm sure that more has happened to me in the past year, but it's been a long day, and remembering things can be hard sometimes.
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