Monday, September 20, 2010


I have joined A Gym.

No, that is not a typo.

And, no, this is not the typical Bride To Be fighting the Battle of The Dress.

I like my body.  I like my shape.   I really like the way I look in the Dress I found.

It's something else.  I have been amazingly stressed lately - as if you haven't noticed...  Moving to a city I'd previously spent a grand total of 6 hours in.  Moving into an apartment in abysmal condition, with landlords who don't care.  Finding a job in that city, then figuring out how to do that job.  Hardly seeing my fiance at all, since he's at school 12 hours most days.  Trying to plan my Wedding from across the state. Trying to deal with being 6 hours away from my family and most of my friends.

I've been feeling seriously lonely and isolated of late.  I go to work and then I come home and sit with the cat (when she deigns to sit with me) and watch dvds of old tv shows.  There's been a lot of crying.  Crying with no real reason behind it, no explanation, no specific thing to point to and know why.  Crying like I cried a few winters ago when I ended up seeing a psychiatrist and going on an antidepressant.  And it's scary.  I'm scared.

But this time, I want to fight it differently.  At least I'm feeling it and seeing it and realizing it now, and not in the middle of January when I can't even get myself out of bed or look at myself in a mirror. 

For a while now,  I've been trying to take a B vitamin complex on a fairly regular basis, but lately I can really feel a difference if I miss a few days, so I'm trying to be more dilligent.  I'm making sure to talk it out with Jake if I'm having a blue day.  He reminds me to take those vitamins, and that everything is going to be ok. 

And I've gotten that gym membership.  Just the basic membership at that famous $10/month chain, but if it gets me moving a little bit, gets those endorphins flowing a couple of times a week, maybe that will help.  Today was my first day.  I took it easy; don't want to beat myself up the first day and then never want to go back.  I plan on going back tomorrow.  Maybe I'll try to add another 10 minutes on that elliptical machine. 

Because I want to be happy.  I want to enjoy my life and my fiance and the excitement of planning my wedding to my favorite person in the world.  I want to be happy for me, and for him, and for us. 


Lori said...

I totally understand how you are feeling. That's how I felt when I moved to Florida from Connecticut. I was jobless for a bit and it was really hard for me to go from "breadwinner" of the relationship (while Aaron was in grad school)to sitting in our fairly empty apartment with a wedding in NY just around the corner. No friends. No family. No job. It sucked. It was like I didn't know who I was anymore.

But really, it will all pass--your life is still in flux. Six hours isn't really that far away--though it feels like it sometimes. And I planned my wedding from a few different states, so I get it.

We need to have a girls only lunch date at some point where we can commiserate about our moves together! Hang in there! Hugs!

Blair said...

I am about to reiterate what I'm sure Jake tells you everyday: You are beautiful. You are strong. You are determined, amazing, smart, confident, funny, and endearing. You have done SO much since you've been out there. You've started a new career, you've put yourself out in the theater world again, you've fought for your rights, you've found THE perfect dress. Any ONE of these things would be amazing in their own right and you've done ALL of them.

You are taking positive steps towards your happiness and for that I am SO proud of you! That is incredibly brave! This flux is okay because it's not forever and you know that. You are working towards so many happy and wonderful things! Just take all decisions one at a time and only deal with what you can handle in the moment. You are phenomenal. You are amazing. You are a rockstar and I love you.

The Benners (mostly Nikki) said...

Part of it's probably Pittsburgh, and the Steelers. I'd be depressed if I had to cheer for them, too. EAGLES Eagles!

Srsly though - Jackson's starting to babble. If you want to have a conversation about bubbles, tigers, Big Bird, or chicken nuggets, he's your little man... and that may cheer you up.

Duffy Batzer said...

You found the Dress?!?!