Tuesday, August 31, 2010

A Series of Letters

Dear Bike-Riding College Douchebags-
Please learn that bikes are vehicles.  Like cars.  And should thus be riden (driven?) in the streets.  Not the sidewalks.  Also, when riding (driving?) your bike in the street, please ride with traffic, not against it, as you are a vehicle in traffic, just like a car.  ALSO, when riding (driving?) with traffic, please follow the appropriate rules of the road, just like a car.  Stop at red lights/stop signs.  Ride (drive?) through green lights with traffic.  Do not stop/hesitate in the middle of the cross road and stare at me blankly when you have the green and I am waiting for you to cross so that I may complete my left-hand turn that you should be keenly aware of thanks to my blinking left turn signal.

Dear Upstairs Neighbor who has Three Dogs and Walks Around like an Elephant in Wooden Clogs-
I like dogs.  I'm sure I would like your dogs.  But please stop trying to teach your dogs how to tap dance.  It worries Zelda.  Her nerves aren't what they used to be.  Also, listening to them try to dig to China through our ceiling when you come home and call to them on your way up the stairs is also not cool.  And if you decide that they need some exercise, might I suggest taking them for a walk OUTSIDE as opposed to playing fetch INSIDE in your hardwood floored second floor apartment.
And one more thing.  Please take off your shoes when you come home.  You are not all that delicate of a walker that high heels are ok in a hardwood floored apartment on the second floor.

Dear Behind Us Neighbor-
I like dogs.  I'm sure I would like your dog.  Except for the fact that when you leave for the day, your particular pooch feels the need to howl, yowl, yip and cry as if it were being kicked repeatedly.  Part of me feels bad for it, until my ears start to bleed.

Dear Couple who Thought it was Appropriate to Leave a $2 tip on a $25 tab When You had Me Running Around for More Dressing, Napkins, Drinks, Straws, and Who Knows What Else -
It isn't.  But thanks anyway.

Dear Woman Who Left Me a $9 tip on a $31 Tab -
Thank you!  You made my day :)

Dear Town of Wilkinsburg-
There have been full cans of trash on our curb for two weeks!



editor's note:  since i wrote this blog and stashed it away for later publishing, we have discovered when trash day is.  Fridays.  not Mondays, like we were told by the rental company. Friday.  there.  one thing solved.


cjc said...

Your first letter is a love letter--to me. I was with a student on the way to a meeting, faced with three bicycle riders (not cyclists, OH, no!) and found my self very assertively (and loudly) stating "side WALK. It's a side WALK."

My student looked at me, smiled and said, "I'm glad you're such a bitch."

I have the best students ever.

Jess said...

To go along with your dear biker post- Over here in Korea not only do bikes ride on the sidewalk (because it is insanely dangerous to bike with the cars) but the little motor scooters ride on the sidewalks and expect the people walking to get out of their way. If they get tired of waiting for a light they come up on the sidewalk and go around the light...not that anyone takes traffic lights very seriously :)

ann said...

Hey sweetie,

Thanks for making my morning with a giggle. And I am ever so glad that you figured out when trash day was. I hope things are going fantastically for you guys (other than ignorant bikers and tap danging dogs of course). All my love.